Trump to Squash Golf Routine
How a New Sport Could Replace the President’s Favorite Hobby
April 1, 2017, Washington, D.C. – As President Donald J. Trump continues to draw the ire of constituents with frequent trips to his Mar-a-Lago Resort weekend retreats, the inner circle of White House advisors have turned to an unlikely approach to keeping him closer to home. While the President may or may not be conducting “true” White House business, either by meeting with foreign diplomats or classified meetings, the common perception is that he has merely taken a significant time off for leisure.
The 45th President of the United States has long been an avid golfer, more than likely as part of being one of the most prominent businessmen in modern times. However, as he frequently leaves the Oval Office to play a few rounds in Florida week after week, many taxpayers are crying foul. As President Trump’s approval numbers continue to plummet, his staff has had little choice but to brainstorm ways to keep him in the D.C. area.
Despite criticizing Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton for her potential health problems, as well as the appearance of many female opponents, President Trump has also drawn criticism for his appearance and possible health concerns. In fact, many medical professionals have suggested that the President may at minimum have a diet of high cholesterol and fat, while others have suggested the possibility of hypertension and maybe even pre-diabetic conditions.
As a result, with fewer than 100 days in the office, his chief medical advisement team has been scrambling for a way to keep the President healthier, as well as remaining local for longer than a few business days at a time.
Although the game of golf has long been regarded as a “sport” and has had a long tradition of professional athletes taking the game further than its inception over 1,000 years ago, most still see it as an excuse to drive golf carts and day drink. In fact, one retired athlete has gone on record claiming that the most physical effort involved in golf is “striking a nearby tree with a nine-iron after falling three over par on the seventh hole.”
Other professional golfers seem to struggle with simply being too good at the game, with Tiger Woods infamously changing his swing style to make things more challenging, all while making the game more emotionally difficult by having no fewer than 17 mistresses.
Indeed, golf has had a long-running tradition of politicians wasting taxpayer money while they enjoy a day out with their favorite lobbyists, but the game does little to improve or even maintain a player’s overall health. In fact, depending on the amount of time spent driving golf carts and the amount of cans of cheap beer consumed, many physicians have recommended fewer rounds of golf for more patients.
Their recommendation? A game that requires more physical activity and can be played in short bursts. Enter: the game of Squash.
In what is being hailed as “a wise move” and “a bold shift in policy” from White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, President Trump has quietly been making attempts to learn the game. The Presidential Motorcade has been seen leaving the White House several times per week, usually after the President’s 3 o’clock afternoon nap.
The National Enquirer and TMZ have also published several pictures showing President Trump in a sweat-drenched blue headband, soaking white shirt with the Presidential seal, and what can only be described as athletic shorts that are not long enough.
However, it is evident that the President-elect is taking the necessary steps to become a winner at Squash, as less time is being spent in the air back and forth to Florida, and more time in introductory courses and Squash lessons. In fact, many professional
Squash instructors recommend Squash Revolution, a series of camps and instructional classes aimed at raising awareness of America’s favorite forgotten sport.
A representative from Squash Revolution said that maybe be having the 45th President take on a larger pro-Squash stance, “he can help make America fit again.” This mimics the desires of many special interests groups, including American Heart Health Group, Doctors without Burgers, and even, We All Looked So Healthy Back in the ‘60s, What the Hell Happened? The last, being a non-profit group who has long failed to find footing among the rest of the better-known lobbying groups in D.C.
While many have applauded the White House in supporting measures from the self-proclaimed Alt-Golf group, others are expressing concerns with how the President will maintain his Squash playing habits.
Multiple sources from within the Secret Service have expressed the variable security nightmare going to the many public Squash courts in D.C., as well as the more private Squash clubs. Within the past several weeks, Secret Service members have had to close out the clubs of Sport & Health at Capitol Hill and Tenleytown, as well as the University Club of Washington DC, and the Metropolitan Club.
Reports have recently come in that the President canceled his time slot at local Squash club Equinox, stating that “it sounds like a gay bar.”
Despite Squash being among the best cardio sports available, as well as one of the highest doctor recommended activities for more patients, the change in the President’s personal sports policy is not without controversy. The Trump Administration is seeking approximately $3.2 million for the White House’s own private Squash court.
Florida groups are also pushing back, claiming that Squash is “only for Europeans and scrawny high school students trying to beef up the college entrance chances.” While this is perhaps an alternative fact, it is obviously a desperate plea to keep Florida’s revenue in place. Florida Governor Rick Scott has publicly voiced concerns of the state losing out on billions annually if the President discontinues his weekly golf trips.
In light of those event if you also want to learn squash and push yourself to new high as the president himself. You can join Squash Revolution Introduction to Squash at any of their clubs in and around the district. Here: http://www.squashrevolution.com/locations.html
Happy April Fool’s day !